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I know you care

I fast forwarded through three years because they were too hard to deal with and come to you as a wounded animal desperate for any reminder of the time before. I even added a long ass ago journal on here. I even get emotional reading dezigned4slash in which I thought Z letters instead of S would live on forever. Shows where I'm at in life.

On that note, uhhh, what's the sitcom status of tagging here?

today is my birthday. happy birthday to me! there used to be a time where my birthday was my favorite day, the one day completely about celebrating my life. and what do people do? buy you things, give you things, allow you favors and pleasures, wishes and hopes, opportunities galore. i thought, my, this day is really my day.

but lately i've changed. i've come to realize how important the people around you are for your sanity and every day living. i've come to realize the joys and highs i have on this birthday really have nothing to do with me but who i do it with. it means that this celebration isn't about just who i am today but who i was before and who i want to be and who will be around to see it all, year after year as i grow through it all. and once a year i celebrate how far i've made it. i lay blessed in my bed awake to see another year of love, loss, learning, and lessons. and i yearn to celebrate another year again, and hope those who have helped me survive it are there for me to celebrate.

happy birthday to me, indeed

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

dear life,

why do you hate me? last week i had to up my hours, i had class on a holiday that i missed because i had work on a holiday and then i didn't even get to catch up on sleep throughout the weekend. by sunday i was so exhausted i slept through my alarm. but i had a paper to write and three books to read by tuesday, which truthfully, was my own fault but alas.

then this week i turn in my paper and are feeling free and what do i receive? a cold. a stupid cold. but i cannot miss anymore classes and thanksgiving is next week. plus two birthdays. i'm so tired but i have a responsibility and in the past i have let myself and others down by being lazy. so what do i need to do? suck it up, pop some cold meds, and hustle through. luckily for you, life, next week IS a break and so i will hopefully drown my sickness and sorrow in many many hours of sleep. i also plan to get extremely drunk this weekend because i can.

love always [but not so much now],


p.s also i'm thinking my lack of sleep is making me stupid. i've misspelled, forgotten words, stuttered, and blanked so many times in the past month. all i need is seven + hours, please? thanks.

daily up my energy

Day 1:

I've decided to blog throughout the week [Weds to Weds] while I take the "vitamins" One Daily Energy which is a high potency multivitamin, only. Okay. I have taken one pill, ONE, and already I feel like I'm doped up on ten drugs. Sure, I've worked on my paper---almost finished in fact---and cleaned my computer room but it has made my hands shake and my eyesight... intense. Seriously, is this what meth or coke is like?

So, I'm going to take this pill for one week and cease partaking in ANY OTHER DRUG, except maybe Ibuprofen because I'm ill, but otherwise, we shall see what toll it takes on me.

Over and out,


Edit: Now my hands are sweaty! All I've done is type, wtf?
2 memories of us, short and long term

a poem by duci

i can remmeber the taste of your tongue when you kissed me that is always always always in my mind in my mind
i don't forget at all the way you pushed me, your words condescending and wrong in my skin in my skin
one side of me wants you more than ever, the other side if afraid, and there's a tiny trace of vindictive anger that
that that cannot forgive you
you make my skin leak, my words drip down my knees, i am so wide open and exposed, transposed, and free
but you do that to me
the part that remembers your every mumble and laugh that lives and breathes in the happier moments we had or the parts that weren't so bad or the parts that weren't the best
i could sit here all day and list the names i gave you the lines i drew on you and the things that made us connected but the
but the other side remembers too, the uncomfortable stance i stood and the couch that lined sand in my knee that pushed you from me as you laughed at my pain, i cannot forget the bad for the good or try to love you through both
love you
i don't know if i even do, love--you. i do not know if i'm ready to love--you.
but one part clenches my heart when you walk in the room
that's for sure
one part shakes up my brain when you touch my leg
that's no lie
and maybe i can kiss you, remember you, and forget

if you're a bird, i'm a bird

lan yu, i do, thank you

a poem by duci

i say, westernized dreams, i call my racism to the forefront
you say, we smile, i fumble with my eye print
you are my superior, my inferior needs unmet
i grasp at straws, twirl my pen, and grin and bear my mistake
i will sit in my home tonight, you know, thinking of this moment all night, you know
seeing you push out your arm, "your comment" you said, "i loved your comment"
and i faltered, shit, warmth spreads my belly in embarrassment, shit
your comment, i loved it
i mumbled, muttered, someone pressed my shoulder blade ahead
thank you
that was all i said

the children's hour (3am)

I love that kai is replying to my entries to help me look like an actual person. thank you, kai, your support is geuinely appreciated.

i made my cousin get lj to help my crusade, maybe it'll work. maybe not. either way, i'm up at 3am talking to some strange guy and listening to... i think matt damon doing a cover of "my funny valentine" which sounds much more amusing than it is. and also matt damon doesn't completely suck. i'm pretty sure it's him. maybe he could follow scarjo and release an album.

aw, the easy amusement in the late hour. my title sounds like a fucking fall out boy album. lmao.
i remember when i used to have livejournal all the time and i used to update random stupid stuff. i actually found my old livejournal the other day and read all my dorky journal entries, lmao.

anyway, now i'm mostly a commenter. honestly, facebook takes up all my whining about myself time. cest la vie. i don't even remember html, i used to have a website. lame. things we remember, no?

seriously, wtf

so, like, i have to all post entries to prove i'm not a troll. mmk. hi, kai? can you comment that i am, indeed, not trolltastic. gracias.


Nov. 9th, 2006

oh shit, i forgot. friend's only and all that. comment to be added, don't be a douche, don't smell too bad, and don't be all "lame". thanks.